May 14, 2025  |    Leave a comment  |    Home

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Personnel Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it will come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That's the eyesight at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical development-slash-luxurious real-estate calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Sure, The person who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. Rather than the usual Dubai skyline filler both-no, we are speaking Damascus, the town Traditionally known for ancient society, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It will be tremendous. Huge!" Trump declared by way of a leaked golfing cart Zoom get in touch with, streamed through the putting green inside Mar-a-Lago's Condition Bunker. "We have experienced lovely ceasefires in Syria. Many of the best. But now, we are setting up them with balconies."



Welcome towards the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca in a very falafel stand-baffled, majestic, and solely out of place. Developed by Slovenian firm Ivana & Sons, the tower characteristics:




  • A three-ground Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Content Hour until eventually the drone flies")




  • And a 9/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses claimed mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 yrs for potable h2o. But Indeed, guaranteed, let's have A further position exactly where American Adult men can wear robes and call it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains in addition to a pillow menu, of course."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas coverage analysts are calling this quite possibly the most audacious peace try considering the fact that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. While previous negotiations failed beneath the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's prepare is simpler: offer Absolutely everyone a set about the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


In line with files posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal includes "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration concerning rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, total with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This really is comfortable power," explained political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a contract plus a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO would not. Geopolitical gridlock needs much less diplomats and more minibar updates."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, generally into gold-plated intercoms set up in Every single unit. The UN Distinctive Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination mentioned, "It's actually not that Trump shouldn't open a tower in the war zone. It truly is that he ought to stop using it to lease ballroom House to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned in regards to the venture, replied, "You already know, man, I after rode a camel in Beirut. Superior folks. Good tan. In any case, do I still have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a suite for "potential evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred towards the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory from the Levant."



Satellite Pictures Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit disclosed that the resort's landscaping kinds a giant Trump head obvious from Place, a characteristic getting promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is made from refugee tents along with the chin is… effectively, categorised.


Environmental groups have filed lawsuits following getting the creating's gold plating mirrored a lot daylight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and established fire to a local melon cart.


"It is really not just unattractive. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," mentioned Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing and also other Bewildering Capabilities


Probably the strangest factor with the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made of:




  • A silent atrium wherever attendees may possibly contemplate imprecise disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian bedroom, finish with local weather control established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Show.




Local Syrians are Not sure what to create of this. "Is she a ghost?" requested twelve-yr-outdated Ahmad, pointing to some holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising Tactic: "In the event you Bomb It, They may Occur"


The ad marketing campaign, just lately leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. Just one poster reads:


"Peace is Temporary. Luxurious is For good."


A further slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso retailers:


"A Tower So Large, Even Assad Has to note."


Public reception is wildly divided. A current SnapPoll done within a hookah lounge shows:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the area"




  • 29% say "this will escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% said "wherever's the nearest elevator to your West Bank?"





Investor Praise: "Finally, a Crisis That Pays"


The challenge is previously attracting interest from Global buyers, such as:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who said he'll purchase three penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




In line with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business stage may even involve:




  • A Greenback Keep of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Called 'SanctionsLand'




  • And Trump Tower Damascus an Escape Area Determined by the Iraq War





Remark Area Chaos


Around the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb post about the disclosing, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Cannot wait around to see a wedding in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades in place of rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Ultimately, a resort where by my PTSD can have turn-down assistance."


An additional submit from @KuwaitiKardashian merely asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Result


U.S. officers fear the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Housing Arms Race." Reports propose:




  • China may well open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is preparing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly provided to develop a Tesla showroom around the Golan Heights run by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. In accordance with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has provided to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the highest flooring "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Remaining Thoughts in the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside of a closing ceremony that involved three camels, a flamethrower, and also a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed above the speakers:


"Damascus required hope. It required gold. It required a waterslide formed like the Constitution. I gave everything a few. You might be welcome."

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